Tracking your Google History…

Do you have a Google toolbar? I do.

I was recently inspired to scroll aimlessly down through my Google history the other day while lazily looking to see how I last found that recipe for road kill chili. As my old searches passed by I noticed an odd old search subject; “Lemons”. Not too odd to you perhaps, I just could not for the life of me remember what I could be searching for on the web about lemons. A recipe for lemonade perhaps?

So I scrolled some more and soon came up on the following list of consecutive searches…

Removing paint from your hair
Eggplant
Angry Clowns
Angry Clowns in Tampa
How to throw fruit
She keeps hitting my hair
Dogs who can talk
Flying to Denmark
Fungus as in lots of
People named Phil
Lard
Don Knotts
Acid washed jeans
It burns
Tuesday
Mimes who talk too much
Oklahoma Italian restaurants
Gnats
Looks like shit

You could probably understand the somewhat confused look that soon crossed my face. Can this have been my thought process for one seemingly strange period, or had they each been individual moments of insanity? Either way – they seem to have no apparent pattern. A random cross section of questions, or in reality – quests.

Here is my quest to you dear reader; I’m writing a book. In actuality we’re writing a book, I’m basically just the poor schmuck who’s going to put the damn thing together.

Take a few minutes if you will, and scroll through your own Google history. If you find a fairly odd, unusual, funny, or best of all, really fucked up list of random searches. Put together the list and e-mail it to me. If it meets my extraordinarily un-called-for high standards, we’ll include it, plus your name, and if you send me a stupid one perhaps, your picture. If it makes it to the book, I’ll annoy you further by supplying you with my standard one-sided waiver and release which will thereby free you of any concerns of what to do with any of those measly little profits.

So get to it! If you have the time to sit at your computer and waste time searching for random nonsense like…

Tastes like waffles
Black Ice
The guy who played Grady
Nice people in Cleveland
Leprosy
Sore throat
Rhymes with smith
It’s a lot like crystal meth
Look like a squirrel
No he’s not
Carmel, CA
IRS
Pencils
Remove things from my ear
Pants for dogs
Cooking with rice
Wedding gifts when it’s an arranged marriage

…then you have time to e-mail me your random nonsense.

Ok, so remember, your Google history is reverse chronological. When you put together a random string, the top listed search could look like the place you ended up. The bottom listed search then of course could look like the place where your search began. If you take that idea at face value, the above history could actually mean something like this…

I got invited to an arranged marriage ceremony. I was wondering what sort of gift to bring.

At the wedding – they threw rice after the newly married couple exited the church. I was bored, so I scooped up most of the rice that was thrown and put it in my pocket. A few days later I decided to eat the rice, I needed to know how to cook it.

While the rice was boiling on the stove, I noticed that the dog would probably look pretty smooth in a nice pair of slacks.

While I was trying to measure the dog for a nice pair of chinos she became agitated and lunged away, I fell forward into a box and something lodged itself deep in my ear.

After some quick tips from www.removethingsfromyourear.com I expelled a No.2 pencil from my right ear.

There used to be a professional wrestler named Irwin R. Shyster.

Chrissy wanted us to take a vacation to California.

We discovered that Clint Eastwood is no longer the Mayor of Carmel, so we decided to go to Cleveland.

But not until after Halloween.

I remembered one night there was a girl who I met in some dark and hazy bar, her name was something like Kristen Amed,

Amith or something like that.

I’ve sometimes been a bit of a hypochondriac….

I told you we went to Cleveland;

We met this guy who looked like the guy who played Grady on Sanford and Son.

It wasn’t him. It was a rapper who went by the name of Black Ice. As a Grady look-alike he was good, as a rapper he sucked.

We went to IHOP in the morning.

So go ahead and send me your unusual or random Google string. It’ll keep me occupied through the long lonely winter months at the very least.

Peace and thanks
G