HERE’S AN OLD BONEHEAD REVIEW CIRCA AUGUST 03 – EXCEPT FOR THE SELECT FEW WHO KNOW THE TRUTH, COULD THERE HAVE BEEN A BIT OF FORESHADOWING HERE?

“The Bachelor Party”

“Oh grow up for crissakes”. There comes a time in every man’s life where he finally realizes he must make that next step. The next inevitable step of life awaits him like a staircase leading to the next Harry Potter novel. If you really want your groom to believe that it’s the first step towards his grave, then feel free to give him some lip about his bachelor party.

Look, a man’s bachelor party is truly a rite of passage. Like the first time he feels a quell deep in his loins for the beauty that is woman. Like the first time he drives a car, sips his first beer or when his dad takes him to his first strip joint – a bachelor party, much like the wedding young ladies plan, is something a young man looks forward to as a sign of life presenting the next step. Bonehead advice; don’t make him want to step in front of a train by worrying about the harmless fun that is – the bachelor party!

Oh I know – trust me, I know! Many of you anxious brides to be are right now nervously chattering, worried about the bachelor party that awaits your fiancée. Take my advice, no need to go out and spend needless funds on private investigators,webcams, or whores with a penchant for gossip. Your man is no doubt anxious to spend the last few nights of his bachelorhood having more fun than a horny priest with a fanny pack filled with ecstasy at a Boy Scout jamboree. However! I assure you that it’s all innocent fun and hijinks, and best for you if you just step aside and let him get it out of his system now, rather than risk resentment down the road. Here to calm your mind is a typical groom’s assessment of his bachelor party.

First off, they’re nervous. What to wear??? So many decisions, wear the jeans and black blazer, or the black blazer and jeans. Then there’s the decisions on hair. Should I comb it, or not? Then of course, the other guys – it’s a fashion Faux-Paus to wear the same Nike’s as the other 7 guys from the office. The things we guys have to worry about preparing for a bachelor party would make your head spin.

That aside, there’s the ride. Some traditionalists feel it is the responsibility of the Best Man to pick up the Groom-To-Be and happily chauffer him around, making a sure he has a safe, enjoyable evening. One has to wonder then if tradition has more recently been pushed aside in favor of a best man most friends describe as a the second coming of Kid Rock or Mickey Rourke. When the grooms ride shows up wearing an IV filled with Jack Daniels strapped to one arm, and 14 Nicoderm patches slapped onto the other – it’s probably best to call a cab, or limo. Trust me ladies, this is a worthwhile expense.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Just because the designated driver is now an underpaid ex-con with a phony green card doesn’t mean your fiancées evening is open game for plenty of booze, drugs, bimbos, midgets, debauchery and possible felony charges. Quite the contrary in many cases! If you’ve ever tried to hire a midget, you were no doubt as surprised as I was my friend Mylos was to find they work for no less than $300.00 per hour.

So the soon to be married young man and his closest friends and their acquaintances will journey out – skipping happily from bar to bar or party to party – usually until someone either vomits, passes out, wets himself or gets either arrested, bitch-slapped by a bouncer or both. Most often the typical conversation centers around politics, wedding plans, honeymoon expectations and who’s got singles. Innocent stuff really. Sure, there’s plenty of testosterone induced bravado and beer muscles amongst a group of bachelors on someone’s final night of wilding. But the reality usually sets in somewhere around 2am and when they replace the cheese at White Castle with slices of soap. And the reality ladies is this – most grooms tend to get so overworked with anticipation, that they often forget to coat their stomachs with something as simple as food the day leading up to the party. The result is so often the same – the groom passes out after telling the bartender just how much he loves him.

You’ll recognize the end of the bachelor party when you see a sweaty limp man being hauled into the back of a taxi or limo by several of his closest friends and one usually tense midget who still looks like he hasn’t been paid. Oh sure, they’ll ferry him off to some diner or late night safe house and pour plenty of coffee down his throat while he insists on singing old Twisted Sister songs. All those friends and the short order cook all await the inevitable…for him to take that next step. After what seems like the umpteenth wail of “…we’re not gonna take it…Nooooooo…we ain’t gonna take it…we’re not gonna take it…any (hic) moooooooore!” the groom does just that. The groom takes that next step – he looks mournfully into the eyes of the stranger at the counter with a sudden realization of his pending fate. Then it hits him…tomorrow he’ll be Mr. (insert your name here) for the rest of his life. A faint glint of hope twinkles in his eye as he thinks about the sweet princess he’s about to marry. Sometimes, he retains that twinkle forever. Sometimes, he feels a need to purge the evening’s excess and does so all over his only signed copy of the pre-nuptial agreement.

Now, not every bachelor party takes place in Las Vegas, but the end result is always the same. Life is a crapshoot – so is marriage. If you’re going to stress over something as silly as the groom’s bachelor party maybe slots is more your game!