Silly Christmas 2004 Ramblings….Another Holiday Bonehead Review from The Bridal Review

“The Twelve Ways Of Christmas”

There may be many of you reading this right now who were among the many who got engaged either on Christmas, Christmas Eve, or one of the many festive 12 days we’re all so happy to celebrate. Did you know that the holidays are actually not the most popular time of year when the most anxious young men propose to their hopeful brides to be. Not even the second most popular! The most popular date where wedding proposals are exchanged is of course Valentine’s Day (more on that next time). The second most popular time is the week most of us celebrate the Fiesta of the Lusty Pelican, August 18th through August 24th.

Another fact most people aren’t aware of is that the “Twelve Days of Christmas” are the 12 days that separate Christmas Day, December 25, from Epiphany, which is celebrated on January 6. Depending on the church, January 6 may mark Christ’s baptism (the Catholic tradition), or it may mark the day that the wise men visited the baby Jesus with their gifts. Last January 6th I actually started my own tradition by employing the utilization of eating utensils while dining in the company of others.

In the past, there was a tradition of giving gifts throughout the 12 days, rather than stacking them all up on the morning of December 25. That tradition, as you might imagine, has never really caught on in our somewhat materialistic society. I’m sure that there are a few young ladies who would actually get a kick out of waking up Christmas morning to find a squawking bird in a small tree bearing worm-infested fruit (Re: A Partridge in a Pear Tree – On the first day of Christmas…) but Bonehead instinct tells me they’d prefer you get to the fifth day already and get ready to dash through the bling-bling.

If you happen to have gotten engaged over a previous Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa …God-Bless, Moseltov, or You-Go-Girl! Personally, I’m still a bit old-fashioned and think the element of surprise is still a better way to go. Look, anyone can go out and get engaged over the holidays. I say, surprise your girl over the holidays with a gleaming new Dewalt carbide-tipped power-drill with the power to drill through an Iraqi safe house wall. She’ll love you for it! There’s at least twelve other days of the year to pop the question! Here’s some thoughts using a popular song….

Ok – some old TV Stars may need the money. Take Danny Bonaduce for instance. Lots of guys choose the tired old route of simply popping the ring in a box , some shiny paper and there you go. Others still think sticking it inside a cake and having a waiter serve it to you in a fancy restaurant is romantic. Not a bonehead. He might just go out and hire an old member of ABC-TV’s “The Partridge Family”…stick him in a tree (maybe it’s a pear tree) and have him lower the ring down to you while you and he picnic on Two Turtle Doves or perhaps Three French Hens.

Danny Partridge hums the words you recognize immediately…

Hello, world, here’s a song that we’re singin’,
c’mon get happy
A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’,
we’ll make you happy

We had a dream we’d go trav’lin’ together
We’d spread a little lovin’ then we’d keep movin’ on
Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together
We get a happy feelin’ when we’re singin’ a song
Trav’lin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’,
c’mon get happy
A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’,
we’ll make you happy
We’ll make you happy, we’ll make you happy…..

You see the ring and shriek in utter joy and surprise!!! Do you give an answer immediately? Of course not – you grab your cell phone and conference in three friends excitedly sounding like Four Calling Birds. Yup, and no doubt the poor bonehead had to hock off his families heirloom Five Gold Rings to pay DeBeers for that eternal rock (Pear-shaped no-doubt!).

Look, some women have bigger, more romantic dreams. A creative and well-thought out attempt to surprise a potential bride-to-be through the use of commando tactics may result in rejection. A great idea to bonehead could easily turn out like Six Geese A-laying a golden egg right on his face. The rejected young fella could be relegated to sitting there with Danny Partridge under the Pear tree sipping warm beer and staring out at the pond at Seven Swans A-swimming by, not giving a damn about Danny and your ex-boyfriend.

But, if you’ve read this far into the abyss of the bonehead mind, you probably would appreciate a little more creativity being levied at the expense of your anticipated wedding proposal. For you faithful reader, if your boyfriend actually did barbeque you up some hens or turtle doves, then go out and hired a former child-star and/or drug abuser to drop out of a tree and offer you a diamond ring – you’d probably appreciate the intellectual stimulation and actually say yes!

Hot damn! Now all the fun can begin! After the blood tests and pre-nuptials, comes the wedding planning (check out the rest of this site for most everything you need!). The Bonehead Review is here to help your guy plan the bachelor party. Oh sure, a bonehead bachelor party might feature Eight Maids A-Milking and
Nine Ladies Dancing, but it’s all cool. When you want a bonehead bacholorette party – you may just want to consider inviting Ten Lords a-leaping and Eleven Pipers Piping. Trust me, each one of those pipers will get your heart a-pumping as if you had Twelve Drummers Drumming on it.

Now, I know not every lady can be lucky enough to have as thoughtful and considerate a man as Bonehead to potentially present a sure fire road towards spontaneous combustible excitement. However, do take into account the reality that a marriage proposal is perhaps the final opportunity for the single guy to flex his creative muscles before he must take on the role of husband. We all know that his creative musclesthen must fulfill other needs (trash cans, bill payments etc). That being said, journey now with me to the Bonehead handbook, Chapter 4….

Step Number 5: The Proposal. So many good men nowadays simply don’t realize that this is usually your last shot at having somewhat of an upper hand when it comes to dealing with the fairer sex. Ok sure, so you were spotted inside a TJ Maxx dressing room area holding a very nice purse when you were younger, and it didn’t even match your shoes! C’mon…no ring on your finger? Every guy from here to Cambodia knows damn well – your holding a handbag – in the simple time honored tradition of men hoping to get laid. Now, whipping boy, slap a shackle, gold band round your finger and sport a jaunty purse, and you’re the laughing stock of the guy’s down at the Gin Mill. This awaits you after you visibly disappoint her mother with your pathetic version of an engagement adornment. So my advice to guys today is simple – take advantage of this soon to be extinct opportunity. The opportunity to embarrass your future bride in a public setting!

Oh sure, you want to be noble, and gentleman-like. But take the Bonehead’s best advice, go slap down a few brews and belts and talk with your friends, see what they think. Chances are good they’ll say gather up a few thousand strangers and assorted hanger-on’s and let her rip!

Here are some public gatherings to “pop the question” that could spoil the mood and/or embarrass your potential mate:

Any New York Mets Baseball Game
Any French soccer match during “Brawl or Be Forcibly Bathed” Night
Her senate hearings investigating her lecherous liaisons with F.Murray Abraham
Lynchings
All you can eat nights at Tapeworm Terry’s
On her honeymoon with your brother

Better that it be done in a simple romantic setting. Just the two of you, a dimly-lit out of the way restaurant, a fine bottle of wine, oysters, crackling fire, handy bottle of chloroform in your knapsack…the perfect romantic setting to propose. Hopefully, you won’t have ingested too much Meister Brau to actually ask her to spend the rest of your money her life with you. You, lean over, take her sweet hand in yours, wipe the tears from your eyes and before you can say color schemes and limousines, exchanging vows and payments down…your hair is lighter, thinner and your next step is…

Simply this…Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year from The Bonehead Review