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Frosty: Are you coming to the North Pole too?

Karen: I’m sure my mother won’t mind – as long as I’m home for supper.

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Setup: Frosty is concerned, yet still suspicious that Karen  is on to his dark secret. Suddenly, the freezing Karen launches into a rage and is forced to kill Hocus Pocus, the annoying little bunny. Violently snapping his neck with one swift twist, she then hungrily sinks her teeth into the former bunnies flesh and pours the marsupial’s warm blood all over her freezing hands and legs for a momentary sense of warmth.

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Now suddenly in fear of his life, Frosty slides open the door of the box car and jumps out, snapping off both his legs landing on a pointed tree stump….

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Professor Hinkle leaps from his hiding place beneath the train and tries to help Frosty.

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Spotting this, Karen, now drenched in the spent blood of Hocus Pocus leaps off the train as well, violently dragging Frosty down a steep hill into a hothouse for melting  and certain death.

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Santa arrives, but it is too late, as Karen laughs demonically over the chilled puddle that once was a singing laughing snowman.

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Ok, maybe that was a little bit too frightening to carry through to a new Christmas Classic – so we popped in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer DVD to try and decipher some of the deeper hidden meanings buried within this children’s favorite.

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First of all, I’ve had trouble with Rudolph ever since I first heard Gene Autry  singing the song he recorded in 1949. Even as a little kid I was bothered by the line “Do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?” If he is the most famous reindeer of all, why the hell should there be any question about recalling him?

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The song was actually an expansion on the original story from an illustrated booklet written by Robert May in 1939 for the Montgomery Ward department stores. The story, it is widely held, is supposed to teach the fact that you should learn to accept those that are different. Bullshit. It’s a little closer to accurate to conclude that the moral is that if you’re deformed, you better make damn sure that your mutation is useful to Santa, or you’ll be spending your days floating aimlessly along a frozen river to nowhere.

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Some argue that it’s a story about tolerance – If the story really wanted to teach kids about tolerance, it wouldn’t have tied Rudolph’s acceptance by the other reindeer to his level of utility to that cold Darwinian asshole Santa. Let’s face it; Santa treated Rudy and his parents really badly, actually telling his father that he should be ashamed for spawning a child with a deformity. What a despicable old fucktard .

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And then there are the indentured servants – the claymation elves. Hermey, unhappy with his lot in life painting stupid wooden wagons wants to make something more of his life and become a dentist. Of course, the overbearing henchman speaking for the slave driving plantation owner  Santa tells him to simply shut the fuck up and get back to work, because he’s an elf – and this is what he’s supposed to be doing. Repression through prejudice.

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So they run away and hook up with a bunch of other misfits on the Island of Misfit Toys, or, as it is more often referred to in the real world – the ghetto. Basically representative of where society dumps all of those outsiders who don’t quite fit in with what they envision as right with their expectations. Partnered with a crazy old prospector  who’s endless search for silver and gold yields constant disappointment, they befriend their presumed enemy, the dim witted abominable snowman after stripping him of his dignity and only source of power, his sharp pointed teeth, a clear example of the persecuted perpetrating the same persecution society has previously perpetrated upon them.

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Eventually they all return to Christmastown, also known as the Montgomery Ward Department store and Santa decides to enlist Rudolph as a fog lamp to complete his worldwide journey to deliver toys to all the good girls and boys. Rather than telling Santa to go fuck himself, Rudolph accepts the offer and leads the sleigh team, to the delight of all the elves, reindeers, children and Mrs. Claus who finally gets a night on her own to fuck around with a few of the elves from the naughty list.

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I guess it does actually prove the fact the Rudolph is a bigger man than I. Only because I’d have probably jingled Santa’s bells by smacking him upside the head with a bowl of figgy pudding.

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We probably needed to stop smoking that mistletoe and get back to shoveling out.

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