PHONES

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2010

I generally don’t like talking on the phone. I’ve used the phone for business for years, but I’m not too big on the chit chat shit. A quick informative catch up from time to time is cool, but that’s about it. Having done sales for many years, I know how to “work the phones” and converse about any particular business topic at hand on the phone, so I’m not adverse to a conversation, I’m just more interested in getting to the point and moving on to the next task.

Perhaps that paints me as a prick. Oh well.

Anyway, my pet peeve today is poor phone etiquette, particularly when it pertains to cell phones. Here at the home office, we each use our cell phones as our primary number – we have an office line which doubles as the home phone as well. I generally use that during the day and I’m one of those schmucks that wear a headset so I can keep my hands free to surf the web for dancing monkeys or type out ideas for books I’ll never write while I try to close a deal on the phone.

It almost never fails, as soon as I make a connection with a client or my probation officer on the office phone, my cell phone rings. It’s Boneheads law. So, it turns out lots of people leave messages on the cell.

I have a very clearly spoken voicemail message that simply asks that if you’re leaving me a message, please let me know what your call is regarding. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, it’s just good business. If you’re a client perhaps you have a specific question about an invoice, if you’re a colleague you might have a specific question about a proposal or money you owe me.

Bottom line, if you’re leaving a message, is it so friggin difficult to mention what you want? This way, if it’s something specific, when I call you back I can give you the answer to the question you have, rather than not being prepared and having to then call you back a second time since I have to search for the specifics you need. Or, if I happen to get YOUR voicemail, I can simply leave the answer to your question, thereby eliminating the need for us to chat at all.

It’s called time management, and none of us have enough time for idle chit chat. I have work to do dammit. I have boneheads to place on other people’s bodies and beer to load in the fridge; I don’t have the time to discuss how my fucking weekend was. Chances are good that I drank more booze than necessary, belched, tripped over the dog, complained about something completely unimportant, played music much too loudly for the neighbors and spent too much time on my hair – it really hasn’t changed much for the past couple of decades, so let’s not spend time talking about it ok?

Lately I seem to have been getting an inordinate amount of messages that sound pretty much like this…

“Hi J, its V, give me a call when you get a chance”

Fine, but what if I don’t get a chance? Will an opportunity pass us both by simply because you didn’t state the nature of your message? I’ll never know cause I don’t know what the fuck you wanted. State your reason, I’m a wizard at rearranging priorities and dealing with the most important shit first – but I’ll never know what’s important if you don’t tell me.

And I know I almost always come across as a total asshole when I do call these people back.

Bone: …returning your call

Them: Hi, how are you?

Bone: OK – what did you want?

Them: How was your weekend?

Bone: I drank a bottle of Scotch and puked on my shoes, what did you want?

Them: How’s Chrissy?

Bone: She’s fine fucking dandy what did you want?

Them: I had a question for you (pause)

Bone: Go

Them: Ummm, what was I calling you about again?

Bone: I’m going to jump through this phone, rip out your liver and beat you to death with it.

You see my quandary; I can be a man of little patience on the phone so sometimes I come across as a bit crass. I haven’t actually beaten someone to death with their own internal organs in many years, but I tend to be a little more direct on the phone than I am in person.

In person, I’m generally charming and witty and pleasant to be around. Most people consider me to be absolutely delightful. On the phone, I’m often a cantankerous and cold fucktard if you’re not a client or someone I haven’t spoken to for a really long time. I guess it’s because to me the phone is a business tool and should be used as such. As a manner to discuss business or simply exchange pertinent information. Maybe it’s a guy thing but if I’m going to chit chat I’d rather do it in person than over the phone.

Funny, but to sum it all up – I’m writing this on the weekend, so as always I’m complaining about something completely unimportant. I tripped over the dog about two hours ago while running to answer the phone. The person who called left the following message…

“Hey J, it’s me, call me when you get this”

I still haven’t called them back because I don’t know what they want.