Just this past Saturday – Bonehead aged even more – right before your eyes.  Can’t say I feel much more than a day over 47, but let’s face it…the passing of the years have not been kind to old Bone.  I’m all drawn and pale and have killed off more brain cells than I probably had to begin with.

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So today I thought I’d stretch these whittled old bones and type out some of the more common phrases that I’ll have to get used to uttering now that I’m older than fuck.

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Here’s a few random quotes I’ll soon perfectly work into my daily banter with my box of broken dreams…

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I just finished a Geritol Smoothie and registered online for my AARP Card!

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Time for Welk.

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I can’t miss my stories.

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Have you seen my sans-a-belt slacks?

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Get off my lawn!!

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He looked so natural.

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Judge Judy is over – time for supper.

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That Julie Andrews kid still can sing!

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I should have tried this creamed corn shit years ago!

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That’s right; I want two bath-tubs installed on the deck…what’s the big deal?

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Remember; don’t drink from the glass on the nightstand.

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Have you seen my new Buick?

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Yup – it’s an RV!

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Wait, I have a hard candy in here somewhere…

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What?

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Would you make me a cup of tea, I’m chilly.

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 Back in my day, when you went to the movies you’d see Michael Keaton could actually get work.

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Pull My Finger

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Hi, Wilford Brimley told me to call…

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Sure, let me just throw on my dungarees and tennis shoes…

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Shut the damn door

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It’s time for my pill

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It was the style at the time

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It’s Old Spice fuckface, not old people smell…

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You going to Sears? Pick me up some new slippers…

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Ok, you probably get the point, I’m not getting any younger and I need to be in tune with the rest of my generation and be prepared to converse in their world.  I need to make some changes and start acting my advanced age.

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Those parties that extended well past late night with some of the world’s most influential individuals.  Those drug-fueled rages against the machine. Those crazy days and nights spent hang-gliding with Bob Barker.  Those spontaneous decisions made while blind drunk on demon rum.  Those horrific looking pair of shoes worn without even caring what anyone else thought of them.

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All of these things all must go.

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I’m staring down the path of senior living – hiking up my pants and opting for the early bird special.  No time for these childish pursuits.  It’s time I really started to enjoy Jay Leno as an entertainer.

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Yes.  This definitely is an option.

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Yup.

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Or…I could simply look back at the calendar staring me down and shout very loudly my opposition.  Time is an illusion, a man-made composition that exists only in perception and not reality.  I know that, so then of course it only goes to reason that age is simply a factor of our flawed view of an actuality.  So too then is the reality of an age – we are as old as we imagine ourselves to be.  Though on the outside, we appear to age to others (with the possible exception of Bob Costas) on the inside we are of our own age perception.

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Fortunately, for you dear reader my own perception of self is timeless, so you’re stuck with me until the end of time.  If there was to be an end to something that doesn’t actually exist.

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Somewhere there may be found a shred of good advice in the old adage that sometimes it’s better not to over indulge in your own birthday cake.  Perhaps someday I’ll follow that advice.  Until then, I’ll feel and act as though I was only …..

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