My dog is an idiot.

Don’t go giving me all that “Oh but she’s so cute” shit either. The dog is an idiot, she always was an idiot and most likely she’ll continue to be an idiot until the day she laughs as she pushes me into my grave.

Here’s why, in no particular order.

She shits in the kitchen.

She eats twigs and string. This makes the previous reason all the much worse.

She suffers from uncontrollable OCD.

OCD.

OCD.

OCD.

She has completely stifled my sex life. Dropping her lazy-ass self stretched out between my lovely wife and me each night. You know we used to like to spoon most nights and fork at least a couple of times a week, now you couldn’t float a gravy boat between my spouse and me.

She has an atomic tongue that sticks, licks, pokes, strokes and generally slobbers everything and everyone in a thin coat of spit. The damn thing never stops, it just keeps licking and licking – it’s like living with Gene Simmons on crack and red bull. She can lick her ass, my wife’s feet, a snail and then come bounding on top of me ready to lick that abominable combination along my cheek. Makes me want to puke.

And, worst of all, she garners all of my wife’s attention.

Who always gets the last piece of bacon? Not me I assure you.
Who always gets her bowl filled without ever once having to holler “Beer Me!”
Not me I tell you.

It’s rough when you have to share your affections with an idiot.

I asked my wife the other day if I could take the dog out for a ride in the country.

She said “What do you think, I’m an idiot? You’re going to leave her there!”

I said no I’m not, exactly. I was hoping to leave her several hundred miles away out in the woods. But, I was sure with my luck the idiot would find her way home. So I figured what was the point.

And even if she didn’t find her way back, I was pretty sure that my wife would simply buy another one off of the internet. Yup, that’s how we got the first idiot. Bought her with the paypal money she had raised selling cat slippers on ebay.

That’s one of the problems with the world today. Everything is replaceable. Car having some brake issues? Get rid of it, get another. Computer cramped with spyware? Go get a new one. Wife getting bitchy? Well, you get my point….

Even the family pet. Did yours get lost in the forest? Go online and New Fido is only a click away. You’ve got to wonder what’s next that will be deemed replaceable with very little thought. Arms? Heads? Whole people??? Penises????

It’s pretty scary.

But, my dog is still an idiot. She just got her head stuck in between the sofa cushions. I have to go let her out before she strangles herself.

After all, she is my idiot.