There are so many stories out today about people losing their jobs. Getting fired, getting laid off, it’s ultimately the same thing of course, as either way – you’re out of a job and with today’s fucked up economy – you’re probably shit out of luck.

My lovely wife has been shit out of a job since last November, and just the other day I joined her in that no longer exclusive club. Yup – they went and slammed the door on old Bone – I’m no longer wanted. Apparently the victim of more budget cuts – I suddenly find myself out on my own after almost 25 years in the same industry. It’s quite an adjustment.

I’m probably more fortunate than most in that I’ll have a severance package for a little while, and my medical benefits too. We’ve been frugal (my wife will tell you cheap) so we have some money saved, good credit, should be ok for awhile.

But buck up! I’m not here to add to all those stories of the recently unemployed. Nope, this is to be the only Bonehead article that will even talk about losing my job. I’m not interested in boring you with the same tired old story we’ve all been hearing way too much of over the past year. No way. I’ll save that task for my new website (nametoeventuallybeinsertedhere.com) which will be an integral part of what we have decided upon as our next lot in life. Like any two boneheads with some spare time would do – we’re going to take this limited opportunity to try and come up with something we can do to make a living on our own. Everyone knows the job market sucks.

So, instead of dwelling on how to deal with being laid off, let’s use this time together today to discuss what types of things my wife and I have decided we should NOT do…

For instance, we both agree that it’s probably not in our best interest to form an interracial Mariachi Band, considering the more successful bands tend to be Mexican and have at least one giant guitar – our guitar is normal sized. And we’re not Mexican.

We’re thinking too, that with our bad knees, a career in the ballet is most likely out of the question.

An unusual aversion to polyester slacks rules out my return to the fast food industry.

Oddly, my spouse has lost the ability to juggle, so our street performer opportunities have dwindled.

Other than that, the world is pretty much our oyster.

And, although we don’t yet know specifically what exactly we’re going to do – we have taken the time to toss a bunch of possible company names at the wall. The following did not stick…

– Madoff Media
– Crapshoot Designs
– Ben & Jerry’s
– Whips, Chains and Slushies (A convenience store that also caters to equestrians and bicycle part enthusiasts)
– Anthony’s Aluminum Shoes
– Al Quaida and Dawn Enterprises
– Hopeless Dreams Inc.
– Swirley’s
– Snowball In Hell Securities
– Noprah and The Dope

So, as you might have guessed, we’re still working on the company name.

A side dish my unexpected time off has fed me is that your emotions go through several stages following the loss of your job. Interestingly, it’s not very much unlike the sudden breakup of a relationship.

The first stage is really shock and surprise. The news, though not always unexpected is just not pleasant. Sort of like getting dumped by someone you don’t even really like – only in the case of a job elimination they pay you for a few months to sit quietly and pretend you’re actually sad they broke up with you.

The next stage is anger, again, only a natural human reaction. Nobody likes to feel unwanted or have their pride hurt. Again, not at all dissimilar to a romantic relationship, whereas your ex belittles your physical prowess while slowly twisting the knife in your back. Only difference in the case of a downsizing is that it’s more difficult to bury the bodies.

Then there’s the occasional bout of despair and worry. Kind of like the concern after a couples breakup for the pending shortfall in your love life. When you lose your job the concern is more for the pending shortfall in your checkbook.

You know you’re heading towards the end of stages however when you finally reach the stage of resigned acceptance. Accepting the fact that it’s really not your photo on the last remaining shit stepper membership card – and you’ve got to get back to square one and start again.

The last stage is probably a little different for everybody. Some say the final stage is one of bemused amusement. Others that it’s more or less defeat. It’s in this stage however, that often one’s future is carved. That tends to upset the janitor, because now he has to order new floor slats.

There’s really no typical timeline for you to run through the stages, like I said, everyone is different. I’d like to be bold and tell you that I ran through the stages and I’m staring down the next phase of my life with fire and focus. But you know I’d be full of crap. Truth is you run through a little of each stage every day – and it’s only over time that it becomes a much smaller part of your daily thought. It’s been a few days and I think today I spent more time being excited about the opportunity of the future than being upset about the situation. Progress is good.

I do, however, fear this forum for random nonsense may suffer with the effort required for me to most effectively manage my next journey (we’re driving to Pittsburgh next month for shits and giggles!)

I’ll try to check in once and a while to drop of few pearls of absurdity on you, I hope you’ll dive in and check them out. I hope too you’ll find our new journey as entertaining as you’ve found Bonehead.

Both of you.