Sometimes I even try to write something that somebody else might like to read. Problem is, I can usually come up with a great opening line to a limitless story…but that’s it.  Premature creation. Here are a few of mine inter-spread with some great opening sentences to a few recent books I have read…

Great opening lines to great books in no particular order….

1 -There was pudding everywhere.
“I Ate My Meat: an Inside Expose From an Extra in Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ – 1984 : George Michael

2 – Looking out the basement window I suddenly grew reflective of my childhood spent working in a plastic army man factory.
“Captive” – 2008 : Kristi Yamaguchi

3 – It hurt like a motherfucker.
“Piercing your tongue”– 2001 : Sister Katherine McDermott

4 – That was one ugly dog, not as ugly as the heartbreak of psoriasis, but ugly still.
“Still, I Itch” 1978 : Coot Martyn

5 – It was Tuesday, I was drunk and there was a dead pigeon lodged in my ass, again.
“Work in progress” – 2000 : J Giddy

6 – Can’t seem to shake the memory of my shoes falling off the shelf.
“Pumps, Stilettos and Sandals” – 1990 : Dr. Oleg Scholl

7 – She scoffed, she didn’t believe that I could actually fly.
“I Was Underdog, Dammit!” – 1971 : Wally Cox

8 – Al usually didn’t like to be slapped in the chin before going to church.
“Sundays with Capone” – 1944 : Elliott Ness

9 – She was my first substance abuse counselor and she smelled like Apricot yogurt.
“Work in progress” – 2003 : J Giddy

10 – Can’t you just see it now, cheese in every pretzel!
“Combos, The Snack Sensation that Rocked the World!” – 1996 : M & M Mars

11 – I spent the evening with my hair all flapping around and shit.
“Work in progress” – 2008 : J Giddy

12 – The old girl was pretty tired and it was really about time I took her out back and shot her in the back of the head.
“My Life in the Glue Factory” – 1961 : C.Biscuit

13 – Suddenly, Carl let all of the puppies out of the pen, and they swarmed in and mauled each of his Cousin Seth’s hamsters.
“The Joy of Rottweiler Breeding” – 2006: Mike Vick

14 – “On the paper!!”
“How I Escaped the Evil” 2008” : Sydney

15 – Like many women her age, the desire for motherhood called her loudly, she wanted a child in the worst way, so of course she wanted us to fuck doggy-style.
“So, We Lived in a Shoe” – 1974 : An Old Man

16 – It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, battling my bi-polar disorder.
“I’m Not Mad but Shut Up Before I Kill You” – 2007 : Phil Spector

17 – Gravy always felt good beneath my bare feet.
“Cooking for The Holidays with Chevy Chase” – 1985 : Hunter S. Thompson

18 – Don’t blame me, you’re the asshole that just bought this book.
“Work in progress” – 1997 : J Giddy

19 – Uncle Jeff liked to pass wind while he was driving.
“A Treasury of Timeless Boys Life Stories” – 1981 : Father Shamus McGilicutty

20 – Canterbury, there’s some mighty brutal looking whores there.
“Traveling Across Wales with The Wu Tang Clan” – 2000: Matt Lauer

21 – If you’re going to add little bits of pear to your salad, be sure that your guests aren’t allergic to pear, some people are so allergic to pears that even the smell of one can cause their lungs to burst, and that always casts a gloomy cloud over your garden dinner party.
“Stop Poisoning your Guests” – 2005 : Rachel Ray

22 – Santa was Jewish.
“Jews” – 1979 : Sammy Davis Jr.

23 – He walked into the room smelling of burnt fish, yet his stride was still wide and proud.
“The Best Fishing Lures and Rods – 2003” : Charlie Sheen

24 – If you’re lost, you’re in luck, unless of course you don’t have this book with you right now.
“Take This Book Everywhere You Go” – 1933 : J.Christ

25 – The newspapers told everyone the horrible news that the old mill was indeed destroyed in a terrible fire started by George Wendt who of course played Norm on Cheers.
“Why Do All Those 80’s Actors Turn to Arson?” – 1998 : Gary Coleman w/forward by Richard Pryor

26 – Monkeys playfully tossed handfuls of shit at the children while Mr. Farkus stood off to the snide snickering loudly in the most evil of hushed tones.
“A Trip To The Zoo with Our Pastor” – 2006 : Candice Fleming

27 – It was the first time Roberta ever saw my face.
“Work in progress” – 2004 : J Giddy

28 – Peering in the window I spied what appeared to be a cheeseburger sitting on the table.
“Work in progress” – 2007 : J Giddy

29 – As soon as the penguin exploded I knew it was time to stop smoking the shit but I was so tight in its grip I knew that bursting flightless water fowl episodes would continue to mark my days in the weeks and months to come.
“That Week I Spent at Crazy Uncle Jim’s” – 1978 : Mary Jane Sweetleaf

30 –Aunt Janine was pretty much a bitch to everyone she met.
“Yes, She Deserved to Die” – 1994 : Kathy Lee Gifford

31 – No thank you, no more cheesecake for me but can you please bring me some fiberglass.
“How to Un-clog a Slop Sink” – 1967 : Pete Daplumma

32 – The origin of man can be traced back to a long fucking time ago.
“Haven’t You Been Listening?” – 2001” : Carl Sagen

33 – Eggs, natures little embryo orbs.
“I Came First” – 1992 : Frank Purdue

34 – Wow, you just had a child, now what the fuck are you supposed to do?
“A New Dad’s Handbook” – 2003 : Mike Tyson

35 – The seas parted and the skies were filled with doves and angels, suddenly Moses farted and the Romans were washed away.
“In The Bible, Nobody Farts” – 2006 : Ira Rosenblatz

36 – The first step is to admit that you’re an asshole.
“Work in progress” – 1999 : J Giddy

37 – Born into slavery, he grew to be a real pain in the ass.
“George Washington Carver – The Unauthorized Biography” – 1952 : Eugene “Peanuts” Zagnut

38 – Cupcakes.
“What Really Killed Elvis?” – 1990 : Col. Tom Sanders

39 – The rain pelted down loudly on the thin tin roof that sometimes covered my 1966 Ford Galaxie in the carport next to the trailer down in Ol’ Tumble-Dumps trailer park where we grew up in Fort Dumpwater Georgia.
“400 Ways to Prepare Possum”– 1998 : Cletus Hickory Blake

40 – I needed this like I needed a vinegar milkshake, my day already sucked.
“Catching Fish – How I Scored the Sweetest Role on TV” – 1986 : Abe Vigoda

41 – No, those are not my trousers.
“How to Get the Most Out of Your Dry Cleaner” – 2001 : Me Pres’yer Slax

42 – It was a dark and stormy night, and I felt like wearing my panda costume to the deli.
“Work in progress” – 2002 : J Giddy

43 – Maybe you remember the guy who used to play his radio a little too loud, my Grandpa smacked him in the head with a hammer, so I was hoping you could lend me your brother’s shovel.
“Me and My BFFL Shasta” – 2007 : Anna Maria Sclafari

44 – If you like hookers, this is the book for you!
“The Best Fishing Lures and Rods – 2004 : Charlie Sheen