While compiling my annual list of Chrissy Quotes, it got me to thinking about how nice it is to be here with someone who provides a constant source of material. That wasn’t always the case though.

Thinking back to my single Bone days – I occasionally would have to work at getting a date. I know I know it’s surprising, me being so charming and shit but it wasn’t always so easy for me to sweep a lady off her feet. Unless of course I was whacking her across the skull with a broom.

My problem was an opening line. From time to time I could put together a brilliant statement  but more often than not I fumbled with the situation and went home alone and phone numberless.

As a service to my Bonehead readers – here then are some pickup lines that usually will not work…

Last time I was in this bar, I got so drunk, when I woke up the next day I noticed somebody shit in my pants.

Hey baby! Were your parents retarded ‘cause you sure are special!

Nice nose, was your dad a pelican ?

I may not be the best looking guy here – but I’m the only one talking to you.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

Excuse me, but why is your moose drinking my cheese?

What’s a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

Pardon me; can I borrow your spatula ?

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re starting to look pretty good.

Are you wearing space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world!

Guess what, you’re eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

I like honesty, this is my real hair. Are those your real breasts?

Ya know I had a feeling I might meet one of my future ex-wives here tonight.

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste, I see you however, disagree.

Fortunately, my large wallet , position of power and drop dead good looks helped me land my beautiful wife without the need to resort to tired old pickup lines. I took the more tactical route of hiring her for a prestigious opening in the company I worked for at the time.

With age comes wisdom, so I have also learned to leave the creative quotes to my wife, while I now stick to creative writing which includes the spell, grammar and fact checker, plus a delete key – which would have probably saved me significant stain removal costs from the dry cleaners as a young man after having drinks thrown at me.