The job market has become decidedly more selective over the past year or so since there are so many qualified candidates vying for the limited openings that are out there. I recently inquired about a position and was asked to complete a personality profile  to see if I might fit into their company ideal. Got me to thinking that it might be interesting to offer my readers a Bonehead profile, just to see if you might be sufficiently twisted enough to be considered a true Bonehead.

So here is a simple personality profile –

Answer these questions honestly. Any and all attempts to alter your responses in order to appear a more pleasing personality than your own obnoxious self will only have a negative effect on your final profile, so please, no bullshit .

Question one –

It’s a rainy Tuesday evening – you’re wearing a licorice flavored hat. Your friend Ethan wants to lick your hat. He needs to get the bad taste out of his mouth as he’s just accidentally eaten  a dead fruit bat. Your response to this odd request is:

A. Tell your friend to go and fuck themselves, find their own damn licorice hat.

B. Ask if the bat tasted like mango or pear.

C. Let your friend lick your hat, so long as he in return allows you to borrow his DVD copy of Better Off Dead .

D. Tell your friend he can keep the hat, you don’t need it anymore.

Question two –

You wake up to find that someone has covered the floor surrounding your bed with custard, and even worse, you’re late for work. Your first order of business is to:

A. Search for that spoon you always keep in your nightstand for just such an occasion whereas you need to eat your way through to the bathroom.

B. Not be concerned at all since you fell asleep with your shoes on once again.

C. Reach for the phone and call in sick to work due to yet another custard related incident.

D. Liberally sprinkle nutmeg and cinnamon on top of the custard and call the dog to slurp up a path for you to get out of the bed.

Question three –

You’re arguing with Hal Linden who played TV’s Barney Miller  over health care reform. You support the single-payer system employed in Europe while Hal prefers a state regulated private carrier plan. The discussion seems hopelessly stalemated when Hal is suddenly attacked by a rabid ferret. Your first reaction is to:

A. Ask to see Hal’s medical insurance card.

B. Fight the ferret off with a rake and suck the venomous poison out of Hal’s wounds.

C. Flee

D. Question Hal about what he may have done to piss the ferret off.

Question four –

You’re carrying a large box of apples when you come upon a hungry homeless family. You were planning on using the apples to make a very large apple pie to bring to the barn raising you were invited to this weekend by the nice Amish family you met at the buggy store . The poor hungry family looks longingly for you to spare an apple or two to help them garner the strength to face yet another difficult day. You:

A. Offer them two apples for the price of one so long as their 2009 adjusted gross income is low enough to qualify for your personal stimulus program, then direct them to a website where they can fill out the forms online.

B. Explain that you cannot offer them an apple since they are currently earmarked for campaign contributors and their families.

C. Offer them some helpful tips as to how they might plant their own fruit trees.

D. Give them a few of your apples figuring you could stop and pick up some beer to bring to the barn raising instead of the apple pie.

Question five –

You’ve been selected for an honorary doctorate degree from a prestigious ivy league university and it’s almost time for your speech, but you’ve misplaced your pants. There’s no time left to head to the store for a new pair of slacks, so you:

A. Claim that your trousers were stolen as part of an elaborate prank perpetrated by a rival university and incite the student body into kidnapping the rival schools mascot and turning it into stew.

B. Announce your intention to outlaw pants as they hinder educational enlightenment.

C. Trade your ham sandwich to the dean for his pants.

D. Grab the nearest Snuggie  and hope that no one notices.

Scoring –

For each time you answered “A” smack yourself in the head with a trout.

For each time you answered “B” holler loudly to no one in particular your favorite way to enjoy veal.

For each time you answered “C” give yourself three points

For each time you answered “D” deduct three points

What the scoring represents –

If you scored between -9 and 12 points – YOU are an honorary Bonehead!

If you smacked yourself in the head with a trout at least once – YOU are an honorary Bonehead!

If you’ve hollered loudly about Veal Parmegian, Veal Marsala, Veal Scaloppini, Veal Tidbits, Veal and Peppers, Veal a la Marshmallow Fluff within the last ten minutes –YOU are an honorary Bonehead

If you’ve stuck with this stupid test this long – YOU are most definitely an honorary Bonehead.

Good luck on the new job.