When my beautiful and intelligent daughter was a Senior in High School – she chose my profession as the subject of her senior project for business. A part of that involved interviewing me – I’m happy to say that even by including my smartass responses, she still got an “A”. Radio, however is probably not going to become one of her career choices.

Interview Questions:

1. What sparked your interest to getting a career in radio?

A – The money. Free beer. And the opportunity to meet Ozzy Osbourne and Ringo Starr.

2. Do you feel that one day in the future satellite radio will take over terrestrial radio?

A – No. No I don’t.

3. How has the introduction of satellite radio affected your station and its listener turnout?

A – As we feature bands like The Grateful Dead, Phish and The Dave Mathews Band – we find that most of our listeners are way too stoned to even know that Satellite radio exists. Most of them do believe in aliens and UFO’s however. Some of them have even been abducted.

4. Do you feel that censorship laws are being enforced too strictly? Why or why not?

A – Abso-fuckin-lutley. It’s Big Brother watching over us – scary.

5. In your personal experience, have you had any issues with censorship laws?

A – Yes – I was once on the radio and this old woman called in complaining about the fact that we were playing too many songs that spoke out against the American government. She insisted that we were acting in a rather negative manner to our President and his cabinet. That we should be more patriotic and honor those fancy politicians who run this fine country. I disagreed and apparently caused quite a raucous when I simply stated my case and told her to go fuck herself.

6. Do you feel that the government has the right to censor what you say on the air? Do you feel that censorship laws are violating the First Amendment?

A – Personally I feel anything the government does is violating me. I think we should censor the government. Viva la Sandinista!

7. Do you think that being capable of using obscene language would increase the amount of people who want to listen to your radio show? Please explain.

A – (*^$^%(**($@!@$$!!! That and free snacks for everyone.

8. Some people find things said on satellite radio extremely offensive. Do you think that this will help terrestrial radio keep its listeners?

A – Some people also find Rosie O’Donnell offensive – yet, she’s still always on the friggin’ TV. Nobody knows why.

9. It has been stated that censorship laws do not apply to terrestrial Spanish radio stations because there have been no complaints about obscenities. If people did not complain about rude language on the air, do you think that the FCC(Federal Communications Commission) would still enact censorship laws? Do you feel it is fair that these laws are only enforced on certain stations?

A – Pienso que esas estaciones hispanas deben aprender a hablar inglés. Yo no puedo entender una palabra ellos dicen cuando ellos hablan español. Quiero Shakira aunque. ¡Esas caderas no mienten!

10. Do you feel that Howard Stern’s transfer to satellite radio has had a positive or negative effect on terrestrial radio. Why?

A – Why would anyone care if Anna Nicole’s lawyer was on free radio or satellite?

11. Do you think that people will continue to listen to terrestrial radio no matter how popular satellite radio becomes just because terrestrial radio is free?

A – Like I always say – if it’s free it’s for me. I think most people are cheap and would rather listen to a bunch of hamsters chewing on an old stale piece of bread crust if it was free than listen to a Beethoven Sonata if they had to pay for it.

12. True or False – You could make a lot more money working as a DJ on satellite radio. If true, what stops you from switching?

A – Assorted felony charges.

13. Since most satellite radio stations have no commercials, do you think that it has a negative effect on most businesses that use radio commercials to advertise?

A – Well, if you mean it would hurt businesses to not advertise, then I guess it would be negative. But then again, in this case, it would seem more to be a double negative, and although two wrongs don’t make a right, two negatives do make a positive, and since it would be positive, I guess it’s a good thing. Otherwise, I’d say take two and hit to left.

14. What changes are terrestrial radio stations making to compete with satellite radio.

A – Free fruit basket every time you listen to terrestrial radio. We are also systematically assassinating all Satellite Radio DJ’s.  

15. Do you think the effects that the introduction of satellite radio has had on FM stations are similar to the effects that Cable television had on broadcast television when it was first introduced? How are they similar or different?

A – Back in the day – cable TV had Deputy Dog cartoons 24 hours a day. I have yet to find a satellite radio station with 24 hour broadcasts of Deputy Dog cartoons. If Satellite radio had Deputy Dog cartoon broadcasts, then maybe I’d think it was like cable TV. But there are no Deputy Dog cartoons on satellite radio – so it’s really not the same.