ANOTHER OLD RANDOM BONEHEAD – OCTOBER 2003. TRUST ME IT WAS FUNNIER WITH PICTURES. USE YOUR IMAGINATION TO INCREASE YOUR AMUSEMENT.

YOUR CAR SMELLS!

So – my car smells. Now before you start saying “of course it does Bone, you’re Sicilian”. Common misconception ‘cause after the first half dozen or so bodies in the trunk it’s tough to get that fresh new car scent to come back. Let me assure you…they do wonders with bleach nowadays. No, this stench is more like what you’d smell if you poured spent motor oil over a well-lit birthday cake. Rancid is probably accurate.

I’ve had more trouble with the rolling sack of wires and washers that passes for my car these days than David had with Liza. Sad really.

I’ve got to drop the pathetic bag of bolts off at the dealership once again for a batch of grease-stained inbred morons to ponder what’s causing the vaporous shit smell. This time I hope it’s flammable and they light a match a bit too close and put the satanic sedan to rest once and for all. Lord knows the insurance claim would fetch me more than trying to unload it on my own.

You may ask yourself two questions at this point. One – should you eat the rest of the Meat-Lovers Buttermilk Bash Ice Cream while no-one else is home, or two, why is this article pointing more towards auto mechanics than relationships, wedding bands and puff pastries? Well it’s like this. One of the most important things to remember when you enter into a relationship is that each partner often has a different list of things which are important to them. To make a relationship work, one must show the other sufficient understanding as to why they are important. Perhaps I make a grand assumption, but my feeling is that many of you brides, brides to be and otherwise significant others of the feminine gender have already discovered that a guys wheels are pretty darned important to him. Matter of fact, next to his nuts and berries, beer, favorite LT jersey, and of course you, his vehicle ranks among the most coveted aspects of his life. This is why my four door flank steak on wheels makes me so sad.

Sputtering up to the garage at the dealership tugs hard on my manly pride. Nothing cool about a guy with a wrinkled tie and a bad haircut in a Ford sedan waiting for some auto shop flunky to stop the smoldering stench emanating from under the hood. Gee, maybe this time I’ll get to drive a Geo for a rental while they ponder, poke and generally laugh at the burning conglomeration of hoses and wires under my hood. They haven’t got a clue what’s wrong with the damn thing either, but hey – they’ve got some really cool overalls and a union card – so they’re in charge now.

It’s an interesting transformation in a man’s life you know. When he basically has no choice but to bear his soul as his vehicle lay prey to the hourly wage wizards of the warranty department. A transformation somewhat less emphatic than the one he makes upon receipt of the state’s acceptance of his driving privileges, but a change nonetheless.

Maybe you have not yet had this discussion with your man, but trust me, if you’ve ever spent more than a few moments talking to him about…

Your shoes
Your sister and how mad you get when she borrows your clothes
Handbags
That bitch at work who thinks she’s all that
The View
Godiva Chocolate
His monthly salary
Field Hockey
Your butt
Brad Pitt
Seating arrangements
Anything flannel that’s not hunting attire

You owe it to him to ask him about the cars he’s had, driven and/or stolen. Ask him about his favorite cars, the ones he wishes he could have, and maybe the one’s he wishes he could have back. It could be a virtual window into your man’s soul as he would no doubt wax poetic about the old Trans Am and Grand National. He may even get a bit misty eyed telling fascinating tales about his Mustangs that he built with his own hands from parts found at swap meets and on highway shoulders. You’ve shared stories about your days as a perky cheerleader, let him share with you his days as a prick in a Porsche. You’ll never forget your first kiss. Of course not, it was a monumental moment in your life. For a guy, he’ll probably remember that too. But his first set of factory chrome rims on a Caddy…that’s monumental! You may even be as open as to share with your man the loves you’ve had and lost. Give him some space! Perhaps he’s lost a Lexus in a divorce case. Sometimes it’s healthy to cry together, it can strengthen the bond of love in a relationship.

Yes, to a guy, a car is very important, and when we evolve to the point of needing someone else to look after it we feel sad.

As stout strong men we thrive on fixing things. Got some transmission fluid spilled in our eyes? No problem. Engine block slipped off the wench and crushed our ankle again? No problem, there’s still a good one on the other leg. Gaskets? We don’t need no stinkin’ gaskets to fix a carburetor. These cars today though – they all run on computers. Chips and diagnostics and analytical amalgamations. It’s like Bill Gates is trying to get back at all the cool guys who poured transmission fluid in his gym shorts in high school. Nope, the typical motorhead is truly a bonehead when it comes to repairs beneath the hood of today’s cars.

That simple weakness is why I’m going to reveal to you all today a very well kept secret. Not as well kept maybe as the secret to what Snow White and the seven dwarfs did one night, but secret nonetheless. When a man becomes so frustrated with an auto repair problem that seems beyond comprehension, he’ll usually just break down and buy another vehicle. Now initially, this may seem like a reasonable solution. Sure, you can get yourself tooled around town in a shiny new BMW Roadster or the latest and largest SUV, but when your revolving credit makes your head spin you’ve got to stop and ponder the potential problems.

Damn – I miss that Lexus

Time to step in and help ladies. Yes, you can help steer your man blinded by steel and chrome in the right direction so that a motor vehicle does not become a one way street to financial ruin. Shop with your man, you can even go online and search for the appropriate car or truck right now (Shameless plug – visit our sponsor REMOVED CAUSE THEY NO LONGER EXIST!). For your easy reference, here are some key terms to look for in finding the vehicle that can suit the needs of your man and your wallet….

Turbo (even if it refers to the name of the salesman at the dealership)
Chrome (best if used in conjunction with “lots of”, “shiny”, or “condom holders”)
Kick Ass
Metallic
Roadmaster
Leather (always a good choice for seats and headgear)
Torque
Back Massage from George Wendt

Now searching for a car that suits both your needs and the needs of your man can be a challenge. While you may want affordable reliability, he may opt for sleek sexy aero kits. You may feel a mini-van with sliding doors is a practical application for a growing family. He may think a Lincoln with over twenty different compartments to hide the tin is a smarter buy. Whatever vehicle you choose as your own Love Bug is a great selection when you can make it together. Like anything else in a happy relationship, compromise is always best.

That being said, maybe someday you’ll be snarled in traffic, bleeding profusely from a self inflicted wound and bordering on a road rage meltdown. Well, if you see the vehicle in the picture below, buck up, smile and wave, ‘cause that’s just my gal Chrissy and I toolin’ down the Expressway of bliss on the way to a happy park and ride!

Happy motoring.