ANOTHER EARLY BONEHEAD REVIEW“What If Grooms choose the music”Ok – so I’m dating a singer. Not a karaoke singer mind you, but one who can actually sing. Quite well too, I’ve seen her break a glass from over twenty yards – and I don’t mean by tossing a shoe either. She’s toured the world, and performed to the delight of thousands. Look, I can carry a tune as well as I can carry a greased mongoose, but nonetheless, my debate with her recently has been…”why can’t a guy select the wedding song”.

They say variety is the spice of life – so how come so many wedding songs sound the same? I mean – I’ve been to dozens of weddings where the blissful couple has only just begun to light up their lives with the glory of love. Please – if I could gag myself with the wind beneath my wings I would. If the poor bastards only knew, most of them would simply shake their heads in pathetically bemused amusement about their pending fate. Years of marriage dealing with the process of finding out what kind of man their wife and mother-in-law would have preferred. No, their wedding song was not at all prophetic. I say, let’s attack the reality of the future bearing down on us and choose a logical wedding song. Here are my suggestions…

1. “The End” – The Doors: Why not just lay the cards on the table right then and there?

2. “Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover” – Paul Simon: A lyrical lament to missed opportunities.

3. “Ain’t My Bitch” – Metallica: No, not YOU sweetheart. Besides, it’s fun watching your Aunt Mary play air guitar.

4. “All The Young Girls Love Alice” – Elton John: Sweet, but loads more fun when the brides name is actually Alice.

5. “Love Hurts” – Nazareth: In honor of those divorced brothers who could not attend the wedding because they have to work a double shift at Taco Bell.

6. “Detachable Penis” – Primus: Perhaps a bit over the top, married men might suggest this as a better option to play during the inane ritual of tossing the garter.

7. “Fish Heads” – Barnes and Barnes: Best utilized if the bride insists on sushi during the cocktail hour.

8. “The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald” – Gordon Lightfoot: Terrific choice for those gloomy November weddings featuring either a nautical theme or photos near the big lake they call Gitche Gumee.

9. “Tubthumping” – Chumbawumba: For no other reason besides the fact that only a guy would select a song called Tubthumping or a band called Chumpawumba for their wedding song, Celine Dion be damned.

10. “Sugar Walls” – Sheena Easton: The list needs at least one songbird.

They say one of the most important traits of a successful marriage is honesty. So let’s be honest here shall we? How many of those typical songs can truly capture the way that the bride and groom feel? Some current favorites can be downright wrong. “Every Breath You Take” – ever listen to the words? It’s a great wedding song if you’re marrying your stalker instead of your sweetheart. “Everything I Do”. Sure, we do it for you, including passing you the pen to sign the pre-nuptial agreement. “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You”, guys, isn’t that how we found ourselves in this situation? “Tonight I Celebrate My Love”. Right, tomorrow we’ll look at the bill.

Please, if I wanted to barf over some plastic music – I’d ride an elevator for no apparent reason. Point being, there’s no more important music than the song you choose together to enter the hall, in front of all your family, friends and Uncle Hal. If you’re a fan of Ozzy Osbourne – then go for it and ride the “Crazy Train” to marital bliss. If Bryan Adams actually floats your boat then perhaps “Heaven” is a place for you. On the other hand if you’re more than down with 50 Cent get “In The Club” Shorty and party like it’s your birthday. No matter what you choose – just remember that above all else – it’s that. What?

What you choose!