Never really happens though. Every year there’s always a few Dum-Dum lollypops and some of those old butterscotch things in the dirty yellow wrapper. They’re both horribly disgusting so we just put them back in the pantry until next Halloween. Some of the oldest looking lollypops feature Lancelot Link – Secret Chimp on the wrapper. I’m guessing they’re pretty old….ahhh, what’s one more year?

I’m not really sure why I’m opposed to Halloween. I like the fall season, the leaves falling from the trees and clogging my gutters while also causing treacherous driving conditions on rain soaked streets, the god-awful orange and brown sweaters people wear, horns-o-plenty filled with tasteless pine cones and petrified squash. Lovely. Wait, those are the things that piss me off about autumn.

Being an ugly child, my parents never bought me a mask or a costume.

Probably figured they’d save themselves a few sheckles since I really didn’t need a mask. Occasionally they’d allow me to staple some dried fruit to my forehead so that I could trick or treat as a “still life”. Once I thought it would be a good idea to go as a minstral. Unable to afford real makeup, someone told me that if you burn the edge of a wine bottle cork with a match – you can then use the burnt cork as a blackface application. I burnt up some cork and liberally applied it to my face. Young and ignorant to the fact that some folks might find a nine year old Al Jolson somewhat offensive, I was chased home with no treats by an angry mob. If only Ted Danson had asked my advice he probably could have avoided some of his own minstral performance embarrassment several years later, but then again, he never listens to me.

As the years have gone by it seems that the popularity of home and garden décor for Halloween has increased dramatically. Every neighborhood has at least one place that looks like the great pumpkin vomited cheap Chinese-made inflatable tributes to death, demons and Snoopy dressed like a bi-sexual ghoul. I can think of better things to spend my money on, like food for instance, for us, not some begging child at the door.

Our neighborhood has several of these plastic festooned homes. Our next door neighbors however are extremely creative, turning their home into a veritable tunnel of horrors with lifelike dummies hanging from trees, coffins, strobe lights, bats, goo-dripping skulls and pointed sticks buried in the leaves designed to poke unsuspecting victims as they work their way through the barbed wire maze they’ve designed. If you want your friggin’ Skittles they’re going to make you work for it. What I like about this is that it’s all home made stuff. Including the pumpkins carved into various evil jack-o-lanterns, they make everything themselves, sort of like I did as a child with my ill-fated costume attempts.

One last thought on costumes, it’s probably high time I share with you an odd obsession of mine. Condiments. Yes, condiments. Mustard, relish, mayonnaise, tomatoes, three bean salad, all the basics. What exactly do condiments have to do with Halloween?

Here’s poor Sydney in her costume for this year…

Yup, ketchup.

Boneheads dog hates Halloween too.