Chrissy and I tend to have pretty colorful conversations at dinner. Often the discussion is tempered by the events of the day. Sometimes after a frustrating day at the office – we’ll sit and discuss the trials of the day, sometimes with a few choice words liberally sprinkled in along with lots and lots of shouting. Typically this makes us feel better, and sometimes provides much amusement for young Junior Miss Giddy should she be joining us at dinner.The other night, the child was out, so our topics were decidedly less tempered.Our conversation included a brief exchange about how Chastity Bono is about to undergo a gender reassignment procedure. Perhaps you’ve seen her lately; she’s not quite the same adorable little girl that her parents dragged out once a week to help close out their CBS variety show. Nope, she’s taken to calling herself Chaz and she sort of resembles the guy who sold us our new fence. 

Apparently she’s always felt that she should have been a man, and has made the decision to undergo the procedure to make it official. That’s cool – nobody should have a problem with that.

Being the ignorant sort however, I really had no clue as to what it involves.

I’ve never really looked into it before – and I was not the greatest student in biology back in the day – so I’m well unaware of what goes on. I mean, it seems pretty cut and dry for a guy to become a lady (pardon the pun). Probably includes the surgical removal of a specific appendage, lots of hormone pills and forced viewings of Sex and The City. Then, after some waxing and hair extensions, bang! Louis is now Louise and is prepared to earn much lower wages for doing the same work.

But, for a lady to become a man, that involves a certain addition. I’m thinking that every hospital that offers the surgery keeps a box of penises in a refrigerated area somewhere. Sort of like the lost and found bin we remember as children in the school library. I mean what are they going to do with them after a male to female reassignment? They’re not going to just throw away a perfectly good penis. Save it for the female to male patients! They meet with the doctors, take a series of testosterone shots, get primer educations in the NFL’s 2-point conversion and crushing beer cans on your skull, then, based on your insurance coverage, you get to select the penis that’s just right for you! A little glue, some stitching and there you are – a full fledged man’s man – never to ask anyone for directions again.

Reality though is a little more complex.

Seems Chaz and most everyone else who’s become a man at some point later than inception have undergone a Metoidioplasty procedure – whereas the clitoris is enlarged by androgenic hormones. In other words, she’ll have her humongous clitoris fashioned into a crude penis. You can’t make this shit up! Oh, and they don’t stop there – as soon as the new phallus is created, the labia majora are united into a brand new scrotum, into which two fancy new plastic balls are inserted.  For laughs, I guess you could select atomic super balls– take one leap off a low wall onto the sidewalk and you could bounce yourself all over town. Good times.

So we both finished our franks and beans and I walked away from the table just a little more educated than I began the meal. Chrissy of course, cleaned up the dishes, as I had man things to do, like scratch, belch and drink beer.

Chaz is going to be very happy!