This pissed me off. Nestle USA has made a huge voluntary recall of their Toll House cookie dough products. Apparently, some consumers were contracting e-coli from them. Oh but wait! People weren’t taken ill after consuming completed batches of Halloween Swirled Fudgy Brownie bars or Easter Bunny Sugar Cookies. No sir. Seems folks were becoming ill after eating the cookie dough raw. Yup – these are probably the same folks who think that it’s ok to eat raw ground beef or raw chicken without the risk of salmonella or e-coli.Just to satisfy my own curiosity, and to be sure that I wasn’t thinking out of school, I checked our own tube of chewy chocolaty chip Toll House Cookies. As I had suspected – there, plain as day, were explicit directions on how to COOK the cookie dough. It involved baking the product in the oven prior to consumption. Any oven is fine, so long as you turn it on. Again, presumably to cook the product.

This is just a glaring example of a company caving to the constant threats of the litigious society that we exist in. Did anyone stop to think that most e-coli and salmonella bacteria are easily killed off when confronted with the angry heat of an oven or stovetop? Why would you eat something that’s obviously filled with chemicals and preservatives, then molded into a tube and swaddled in a chemically enhanced plastic wrapping without cooking the shit first? You deserve a case of the squirts for being an asshole in the first place.

Don’t take your stupidity to the news media looking for sympathy because your fucking tummy hurts. You ate raw mass produced product – you’re supposed to cook it. Even the name of the product makes it seem blatantly obvious – COOKies.

The FDA has a very vivid description of E. coli on their website (albeit without pictures for the folks in Alabama) telling everyone and their brother that it is a potentially deadly bacterium that can cause bloody diarrhea, dehydration and, in the most severe cases, kidney failure. Sounds like a great way to spend a Friday evening – get me a spoon and some raw cookie dough and sign me up.

Apparently Nestle is cooperating fully with the FDA on their investigation. I can just imagine their chief competitor – the Pillsbury Dough Boy laughing his ass off and calling the executives at Nestle a bunch of wimp-ass pussies for recalling their tubed product because a batch of inbred brainless morons decided to wolf it down before it ever had a fair chance to become cookies.