Odd – cause it doesn’t really mean what you think! This was September 2004

“The Munchies”

The munchies.

Often co notates poor images of some pot smoking teenager jonesin’ for a cheeseburger at White Castle late on a Saturday Night – long after the less dangerous fast food joints have closed for the morning. But, here’s a thought, an odd one perhaps, but one lonely thought which seems oddly stuck in my mind this evening. What if you planned your wedding menu assuming that everyone in the room on your special day or evening was faced with a severe case of “the munchies”. That would put a rather different spin on the old “Chicken, Beef or Fish” question don’t you think?

Sure would, cause anyone who’s ever had to endure the painful assault of the munchies knows, that if some stuffy waiter or pimply-faced teenager in their older sisters’ white button down ever posed the question to them would naturally have a rather un-natural answer. Let’s say, for arguments sake, that for some strange reason I was a guest at your wedding. I realize that I don’t stand a Mister Softee’s chance in Hell of being invited but who knows, perhaps I’m a guest of some receptionist from the office who’s just got to be invited because her last name’s Pitt or Gotti or something. For fun, let’s say that on this particular evening, I happen to have a solid case of the munchies. Oh sure, I may look quite debonair there at the bar in my overalls and best wife beater, but it’s simply a rouse. I’m hankerin’ for some cheese.

What’s on the menu sweet cheeks?

Take a moment and imagine if you will yourself. You, the sweetest bride in fairytale land on the day you’ve waited and planned for so long for. You’re hungry. You’ve worked so long and hard in planning everything for this day down to the final detail. For a nice appetizer there’s some small black fish eggs, a couple of tiny wafers and crackers, a few shrimp, some light soup, a slice of camembert or brie, a grape. Oh sure fancy yes, but satisfying? Please. Then maybe it’s on to the main room. The DJ announces all the bridal party, people cry, smile and dance like they’ve got a weasel in at least one of their pant legs. Take your seats please the $135.00 an hour radio station wannabe announces to the crowd, and like cows to a pile of corn everyone finds their assigned seat. Look – on the table – there’s several slices of bread and a roll or two! Maybe, the lucky ones can even get their paws on a pat of butter to spread on the dough. Oh wow, then its salad time! Yummy, four or five leaves and a couple of onion slices, perhaps a tomato slice and a couple of cucumber slices if you’re going all out. Then several excruciating hours later a batch of minimum waged ne’er do wells bring out the dried chicken, chipped beef or imitation fish and at this point you’re still hungry. Not even those wax-like perfectly formed white piles that are most likely mashed potatoes can quell the hunger that shakes you to your bones.

You’re still hungry.

And so am I.

Look even though I’m most likely the odd-looking guest of someone who’s either a guest of the groom or someone you barely know, it’s your wedding, and if it sucks, I’m going to complain to my friends about it. And you don’t want that, believe me.

So here’s some simple advice from your Uncle Bone. Make sure that all your guests are well fed. A group of invitees are far more inclined to offer praise when their bellies are full and their hunger pangs are never heard.

Sure it’s all classy and shit to offer Beef Wellington and caviar, Eggs Benedict and snails, Tripe and Veal Medallions soaked in monkey blood but always have a large assortment of side dishes ready to go! No experience with a true case of the munchies to know what to offer your valued guests? No problem – here’s a quick list in no particular order for easy reference:

45. Cheeseburgers. Preferably those from either White Castle or Checkers. The Champ Burger with cheese is a favorite and I hear they are now offering a wedding special whereas any bride who purchases (50) Champ Burgers on her wedding day gets to ride in an authentic NASCAR Racecar.

16. Ring Dings. A venerable favorite – these little hockey puck cousins don’t need to wait around for the Viennese cart – they’re versatile enough to be a meal upon themselves.

9. Mozzarella cheese wrapped with salami or other Italian meats – another dairy based favorite that will no doubt make our lactose-intolerable friends green with either envy or disease.

72. White powdered donuts. Like our friends the Ring Ding, this munchie fan favorite can be either a meal or a tasty appetizer.

34. Nuts. And why not?

162. Peanut butter. Spread upon anything…bread, crackers, celery or inner thighs – it’s chock full of protein and damn good at 4am.