The Giddy Mystery Cruise – Day Five: We Antagonize Senor Frog in Old San Juan

Tuesday began as we were startled awake by the phone ringing sometime around 8:30am. The caller ID said Stateroom Attendant, but when we tried to pick it up the line wouldn’t connect. It rang about 4 times and with each piercing howl of the phone we grew more and more frustrated. Then, after the fourth ring came a knock on the door. Now we get it, Maria is there with a tray of breakfast. Normally a good thing, but it was a late night, and we can’t find the complimentary robes and slippers, we’re tripping over each other trying to get to the door. Neither of us are able to locate our pants. It was a rude awakening.After the eggs, muffins, shower and shaves things settled down a bit. The Solstice is heading towards Old San Juan, Puerto Rico. Standing on the balcony and looking down it’s interesting to note that the further south you travel in the Caribbean, the bluer the water becomes. It’s like taking a cruise in the world’s largest Ty-d-Bol. Chrissy and Junior Miss have ventured into the spa for relaxing massages. I’ve passed on this luxury and instead wander around the boat looking for a nice place to sit and do some reading. Walking around I realize that it’s actually a small tour to greet my fans from the Comedy show and the nightclub last night as several odd looking people came up to me and said “Woof”. Took me a while to catch on, but I eventually did.

We dock in Puerto Rico around 2pm. Getting off the ship and walking around Old San Juan we notice an eerie resemblance to Queens. Plenty of Burger Kings and McDonald’s. Dozens of jewelry stores and T-shirt shops, a couple of check cashing places, Starbucks and the like.

We want to experience the local culture – so we search around for a place to eat lunch. We decided on Senor Frogs – cheap food, lots of booze, and drinks served in a 3 foot tall glass. Ahhh culture! As soon as we sit down (we’re the only customers – we thought it would be a bit more of a happening place) a waitress from Brooklyn comes over and makes us each phallic shaped hats out of balloons.

They’re nearly as tall as the drink glasses. We proudly wear them while we order our enchiladas and burritos. On a positive note, the restrooms were probably the filthiest we’ve seen in several years.

Chrissy did a shot of something blue (nobody seemed to know what was in it) and after we eat we decide to walk around some more to work off lunch. There really isn’t a whole lot to do – but as we’re walking we see a museum where they are displaying the “Bodies the Exhibition” exhibit. Nothing says vacation like spending some time with cadavers and body parts. Actually we almost went to see this exhibit last year in Vegas, and it’s been in NYC for awhile but we never got around to checking it out.

We’re not in the exhibition for more than a minute when we hear a thud and someone shouting for a doctor. I’m about to respond when I remember that I’m not actually a doctor – but a real one does zip past me. Seems a young woman was so grossed out she actually fainted. This was going to be a fun visit to the museum! It was pretty interesting. I’ve always said that when I die I don’t want the whole funeral and burial thing – just donate me to science. Maybe a lab student can unlock the secret to ensure I never occur again. I suppose though when you do that, there remains the possibility that you could be skinned and positioned in the pose of a soccer player for the entertainment of tourists.

It’s getting late so we head back to the ship. After the nightly visit with Jose and Johnny Walker in the Emerald Lounge we have dinner this evening in the Asian restaurant instead of Blu. The food was OK. We’re sitting next to a very nice lady from Philadelphia who had to be James Earl Jones sister. Not only did she resemble him, and wear the same wire framed spectacles, her voice and speech was absolutely flawless. Seems she published college textbooks for a living, so there was no doubt she was a little brighter than us – but she spoke so well, we found ourselves having to make a valiant effort to refrain from peppering in a few “fuckin’s” and “friggin’s” from our conversation. Dessert was rather weird. Four small scoops of mango and green tea ice cream wrapped in a drippy pancake. After a few minutes of trying to separate the ice cream from the flapjacks we basically just wound up with Glop. If I remember correctly it was actually called something like that. We did enjoy an apple Sake however.

After dinner we head up to the pool, its pool party night. We’re still docked in Puerto Rico till 10:45, so they can do the party outside without the threat of gale force winds. It’s mildly interesting, a whole bunch of folks doing the white guy dance. We thought we noticed a small group up near the band trying to start a line of folks to do the prospector dance, but we weren’t quite sure. One of Celebrity Cruises slogans is “Starring You”. And tonight it would be just that, its Karaoke night, and we’re hoping there’s a cash prize! We head into the Sky Lounge and begin to pester the DJ for the song list. Chrissy is of course the only one who can sing, so she’ll be representing the Giddy’s in this endeavor. Going through the book however, there were none of the songs from her normal repertoire. No Tina Turner or Bob Marley. No Brady Kids or Malcolm Jamal Warner. So she choose a song from one of Junior Miss Giddy’s favorite summer blockbusters “Mamma Mia” – Dancing Queen. Actually Junior Miss hated that movie, she’s more of a Jackass 2 sort of kid.

It’s Chrissy’s turn and she does her normal wonderful job. A small group of older women, led by some tipsy blond in a brown pants suit got up and danced around a lot. At first it was annoying, but she managed to get a whole bunch of older white folks to join in and dance along – making Chrissy the un-official disco queen of the ship. All just for fun though, no cash prizes tonight. The Karaoke list is full, so no encore performance.

We go down to the Casino and figure we’ll try our luck. In the past we’ve done pretty well, coming out ahead in Las Vegas and Atlantic City, but then again, those places want you to win a bit since you’re staying and they’d like you to keep playing. On a boat, it’s not a very big casino, it just doesn’t look like you can come out ahead. We lose sixty bucks in just under 12 seconds.

For the full day however, we certainly did come out ahead. Seems that a scaffold type basket that the ships window washers use was permanently locked right outside our balcony – it did somewhat obstruct the view, although not by much. Early in the day we were watching the ship pull into port as were the two very nice Friends of Dorothy sharing the room next to us. Seems they also had some sort of metal apparatus hanging in front of their balcony and had gone down to customer relations to complain. They wound up getting a $250.00 credit and said we should do the same. Now, we’re not big complainers, so we had to spend some time working ourselves up to do it, since in reality the trip thus far has been wonderful. Before we disembarked to eat at Frogs place and gawk at dead folks, we stopped at the relations desk and shared with them our plight. They assured us it would be looked into, and when we checked back later at night we too were offered the same credit. Nice! More money for the bar!

Here’s the Giddy’s checking out a fountain and statue of Columbus in Old San Juan…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *