The First Bonehead Review (Vintage 2003)


“A word or two from the groom’s point of view?
Chrissy my dear… Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence!”

The lovely Christine, knowing my vast expertise on marriage and wedding planning from a Grooms perspective asked me to share some tips and experiences in a weekly column for The Bridal Review. My goal is to help you – the anxious bride-to-be, in finding ways to burrow deep into the pit of your grooms mind, to find ways that he can help you make the first day of the rest of your life even more special than you and your mom already know it will be.

First – a chestnut or two about me to make you feel a bit more at ease. I had been happily married for three years to my first ex-wife. Unfortunately – we were legally married for fifteen, but that’s another story altogether. It’s a fact that in the United States, over half of all marriages end in divorce. Fortunately for me I’ve moved on and have found a wonderful gal. (c’mon – what’d you expect there as a segway?) Perhaps a little insight can help more couples avoid that fate by knowing that marriage doesn’t have to be a sentence – it can be a partnership. That marriage partnership can be forged very early, even before the inevitable strains of “SHOUT” emanate from the band or the DJ tossing out inflatable guitars. Ladies – involve your guys in the planning of the wedding festivities!

Really! Think about it. Instead of having your groom just stand off to the side working two jobs to pay off that ice on your finger, get the man involved! He’ll thank you for it, because now he can say he had an active role in making certain that a possible down payment on your house was wisely spent on puff pastries, annoying little sparkly things stuffed in your invitations and extra Ritalin for the hyperactive ring-bearer.

Get him to help with the things that interest him. Find out which aspects of the wedding interest your fiancé. If he’s interested in choosing the bridesmaid dresses, you of course may be interested in something like researching a new fiancé.

Perhaps a better idea would be the bar. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you, so put the guy in charge of selecting the best beers and spirits for the wedding. Your fiancé knows what best lubes up old Uncle Mel and Aunt Agnes to make them dance the Lumbada, so let him be a part of helping make certain the most annoying wedding guests are forever digitally recorded at their inebriated best!

Remember too, this rule that all men wish women would follow – you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Invitations, color schemes, napkins, floral arrangements, chances are – you’ll make the better decisions on these things, so it may be a bad idea to ask your fiancé for help with these important elements. We’ll normally just get dragged along, and agree with you as quickly as possible so we can get back to the game, beer, monster truck magazine, etc. That said; consider this suggestion of an aspect for the fiancé to take charge of for the wedding day. The Limousine! Generally speaking, guys like cars. Especially big ones – with big fuel-guzzling engines and leather seats. Chrome rims and tinted glass to a guy are like shoes and chocolate to you. So let the guy choose the limo. You may wind up traveling to your wedding in a loud white Hummer that’s three city blocks long and higher than Aunt Louise’s bouffant hair-do, but in the long run, you’ll receive a lifetime of thanks from a poor motor head forced to tool around town in a mini-van for the next twenty or so years.

These are just a couple of suggestions of how to get your fiancé involved in making your wedding day fun for the both of you and starting off a lifetime of working together as a couple. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity, but that’s for another time. No doubt you have your own suggestions of what I can do with mine – but hey, someone asked for them – so I obliged. See you next week with my tips on removing motor oil stains from your wedding dress.

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