Four Small Green Dishes – A Short Story
Note the pentameter change on every 23rd word!
There was once a man, let’s call him…Tim
Tim was a nice man.
Yes a very nice man.
His folks were nice too.
He had one this one uncle though, I think it was Uncle Brian
He was kind of a prick
But most everyone in Tim’s house was nice.
One day, Tim got a little horny and had unprotected sex with his cousin Lisa
That was pretty stupid
Because Lisa was fertile
And when Tim burst his girdle
A new little boy was nine months shy of being born.
So Tim and Lisa did the right thing and sold the child
To a nice Jewish couple named Steiner-Wylde.
The new internet parents they named the boy
She wanted Fresca, he wanted Roy
So they finally settled on Ira John-Boy
The two caring parents were proud and shit
And Dad proclaimed that whatever he wants he’ll get it
So they raised the boy till the child he turned four
And proud Dad lived up to his promise for sure
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, a hammer or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in the cutest four year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his young lads wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a young boy of four do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned five
And like most every tike that’s alive
Ira John-Boy went off to kindergarten
And he was a good boy, he didn’t piss his pants or cry
So when he got home there was no doubt why
His father wouldn’t get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, some diet pills or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in the cutest five year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his young lads wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a young boy of five do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned six
And like most every kid who’s farted in the ball pit
Ira John-Boy graduated kindergarten
And he was a good boy, he didn’t hyperventilate or scream
So when he got home there was no doubt we mean
His father wouldn’t get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, a shot of bourbon or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in the cutest six year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his young lads wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a young boy of six do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned seven
And like most every spawn this side of Dayton
Ira John-Boy made his communion
Even though he was a Jewish boy, he didn’t ask why
So when he got home there was no way to deny
His father wouldn’t get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, a nice cream doughnut or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in the crassest seven year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his growing boys wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a young boy of seven do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned eight
And like most every brat who’s tripped on a skate
Ira John-Boy caught a case of the clap
And he was still a good boy, he was improperly touched
So when he got home there was no doubt nonesuch
His father wouldn’t get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, therapy or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in the crassest eight year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his sexually abused boys wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a young boy of eight do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned nine
And like most glue sniffing pre-teens
Ira John-Boy earned the most patches in his Boy Scout troop
And he promised scouts honor when he identified two pedophiles prophiled on Dateline
So when he got home in only a short time
His father would get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, cheese platter or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in the crassest nine year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his future eagle scouts wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a young boy of nine do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned ten
And like most young Jewish men
Ira John-Boy earned valedictorian status in Hebrew School
And he figured out a way to set his people free
So when he got home take it from me
His father would get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, white fish or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in the snarkiest ten year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his Temple son’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a young boy of ten do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned eleven
And like that guy you bought a hot dog from last Wednesday at 7-11.
Ira John-Boy won the dodge ball tournament, he was very athletic
And his victory made his wealthy but unfulfilled fathers life seem less pathetic
So when he got home he didn’t go apoplectic
His father just got him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, rydolin or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in the smuggest eleven year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his dodge ball demon childs wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a young boy of eleven do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned twelve
And living in Compton, you won’t be surprised to find out why.
Ira John-Boy was shot down, caught in a gangland drive by
And as his father thought of what can he do
All he could think of was to make him an offer so that he’d get better
His father told him he would get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, morphine drip or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in the weakest twelve year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his near comatose pre teens wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would an injured boy of twelve do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned thirteen
And his bullet wounds miraculously healed
Ira John-Boy at his Bar Mitzvah became a man
And not only because he lost his virginity to the Columbian waitress in the men’s room
You can guess what proud papa smiled and told him
He told him he would get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, a ride to the clinic or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in a cracking thirteen year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his stud teen dudes wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a young man of thirteen do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned fourteen
Nothing much happened.
He got his first zit – that was really about it.
On the 3rd night of Hanukah Ira John-Boy got four small green dishes
Because it was all he asked for that year, he figured he really hadn’t done much anyway
His sister Sara Colostomy got a new Playstation and an iPhone cause she ruled that year.
What would a pimply teen man of fourteen do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned fifteen
And he decided to make a statement by joining the militia
Ira John-Boy would fight for the rebel cause
Not only because it succeeded in getting eggs added to the cafeteria vending Machine.
You can guess what proud papa winked and told him
He told him he would get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, a drunk Chinese whore or new toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in a crazy in a bad way fifteen year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his well-armed teen’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a rebel man of fifteen do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned sixteen
And he passed his drivers test with flying colors
Ira John-Boy was the best student in his class
Nothing like having your dad donate the ’77 Dodge Dart that was the students test car
You can guess what his desperate dad flinched and told him
He told him he would get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, some dirty magazines or a blowup doll toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in an angst-ridden sixteen year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his road tested son’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a dangerous driver of sixteen do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned seventeen
And he managed to get a nice date for the junior prom
Ira John-Boy looked nice in his tux
And he’d heard his date sucks
His jealous dad just sighed loudly and dejectedly told him
He told him he would get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, some condoms or a French tickler toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in a mumbly seventeen year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his blue balled son’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a desperate male teen of seventeen do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned eighteen
And like the kid in Bad News Bears who grew up weird but back in the day was so cool
Ira John-Boy just barely graduated from his high school
And it was even though for a Jewish kid he was even pretty good in gym
His papa grinned widely now assured that his boy was heading to Community College
He told him he would get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, an application for Denny’s or an action figure toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked at his Dad and in a shrill eighteen year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his underachieving son’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a dumb ass of eighteen do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned nineteen
And like many other community college guys over six four
Ira John-Boy led his school to the Division 51 basketball championship
And it probably deserved a reward valued at much more.
But when his much shorter dad asked Ira John-Boy he knew of course the answer
But still he kept his word when he told him he would get him whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, more stylish shorts or an electronic toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked down at his Dad and in a lanky nineteen year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his b-ballin’ son’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a tall Jew of nineteen do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned twenty
And he was in the right place and in the right time
Ira John-Boy met a man with a moustache at the college pizzeria
And it turned out to be Hollywood’s top porn producer
Now Ira John-Boy is Biff the well hung tall Jew, and his Pop was so proud
Not even doing gay porn would stop him from getting his son whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, moustache wax or a new rubber toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked down at his Dad and in a teasing twenty year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his skin flickin’ son’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a porn star of twenty do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned twenty one
And now he felt like a man, as in like how a man feels when he becomes a man
Ira John-Boy pulled out of the porn industry
He opened a deli that specialized in meats, including ham
His dad was perplexed, “What’s with the pork? We’re kosher!” but still he was proud
Not even bacon nor sausage would stop him from getting his son whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, a smack in the mouth or a squeaky pig toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked down at his Dad and in a mature twenty one year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his pork pushing son’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a tall deli owner of twenty one do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned twenty two
And like the guy who kept knocking up women
Ira John-Boy knocked up the wrong woman.
He’d planted a seed in his Catholic counter girl Sue
Sue’s Dad was emphatic, they marry today – so for this momentous occasion
Soon Ira John-Boys Dad called asking about getting his son whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, a Mexican divorce lawyer or a dangerously sharp toy?
And Ira John-Boy looked at his Dad and in a pathetic twenty two year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his doomed groom son’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a shotgun groom of twenty two do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
The next year Ira John-Boy turned twenty three
And like most other desperate husband’s who step in front of a bus
Ira John-Boy went down with little fuss
It wasn’t looking good, perhaps his final minutes
Ira John-Boys Dad rushed to the scene and vowed to give anything to save him
Ira John-Boys Dad said one last time, if he lived, he’d get his son whatever he wanted.
So he asked his boy Ira John-Boy
What it was he wanted, a rabbi or the priest he knew as a boy?
And Ira John-Boy looked up at his Dad and in a curdling twenty three year old voice
Said with such authority that Dad had no choice
But to accommodate his gravely wounded son’s wishes
And buy him four small green dishes.
What would a dying young man of twenty three do with four small green dishes?
Thought his Dad who would always grant Ira John-Boy’s wishes.
Then, for the first time in twenty years, Ira John-Boy’s dad simply asked.
Ira John-Boy why? Why is it always the same thing?
Four small green dishes.
“When you graduated from kindergarten, I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“When you turned nine, I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“When you made your Bar Mitzvah, I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“When you saved Uncle Mel from choking , I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“When you stopped wearing makeup, I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“When you beat that murder rap, I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“When you lied to your mother for me, I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“When you graduated from high school, I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“When you made delicious fajitas, I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“When you became a father yourself, I told you I’d get you whatever you wanted.
You asked for four small green dishes.”
“I need to ask you one last time, because I need to know – why Ira John-Boy
Did you always ask only for four small green dishes?”
And then as Ira John-Boy slowly opened his eyes, perhaps for the last time
He looked up at his father and in a pained, agonizing voice said…
“Dad, the reason I always asked you only for four small green dishes…
Even though I knew I could have anything at all that I wanted.”
“The reason I only wanted four small green dishes is…”
And that’s when Ira John-Boy passed away.